Coffee shops… I love em…
But this isn’t exactly where I want to be right now. Problem is I can’t figure out where I’d rather be. Somewhere inspiring. Somewhere cozy with a sofa and blankets. Warm tasty drinks and food that makes me feel nourished.
I’m feeling strange these days. Not exactly sad, meloncholy?
Whatever it is… it’s hard to shake. I wrote about this recently. I felt almost depressed for a couple of weeks. Then I started feeling better. Driven, motivated… I had desires, you know? Then I got sick. So I bunked out in bed and on the couch, in front of tv shows and computer games for a few days, then we went on vacation. “Vacation” Which felt a lot like normal life only in Half Moon Bay. My husband was in a conference until at least 6 most nights. Baby Munch was sick and cranky. Our hotel room was lovely and cozy and the BED WAS AMAZING. But the baby didn’t want to just hang out there. And there were some lovely moments that got me through it all. Eating housemade ravioli by the fire, taking walks down to the ocean and the baby playing with the kayaks. But it definitely wasn’t a relaxing trip. Especially because my hub was kind of sick too and a bit more melodramatic about it than usual.
And now here I am.
I know where I am to be honest. I’ve been here before. Where nothing is really wrong… but nothing really feels like its clicking in a purposeful way. I don’t remember if I had this instinct before… but somehow this time, I know it’s not about the need to make drastic life changes. It’s about my mindframe. It’s about my approach to life. It’s about small mundane daily things that need changing. But mostly its my head. Or my heart, I’m not sure. I feel a little depleted. And I’m feeling that “what’s it all about” feeling. I remember in college I read Ecclesiastes. I think it helped a little. I also somehow ended up at the conclusion that the only thing that made any sense in life is to position yourself to be of help to others. Enter Social Work.
But that’s not the conclusion I’m coming to this time. I haven’t come to a conclusion yet, so I can’t be sure when I say this… but I have a feeling that this time it has more to do with nourishing my self. Your self. The self. Then serving others. Not necessarily more to do, like they’re mutually exclusive… but That nourishing yourself is the most important thing because others are nourished through that as well.
The problem is coming up with that first bit of energy. To take that first “nourishing” step.
I feel drained. And I think I just do really have those questions. David Whyte talks about Shakespeare and Hamlet and says that he asks us to ask a terrifying question, “What if it’s all about nothing. What if we made the whole thing up, just so we’d play the game.” And I don’t think I really believe that. But I want to ask the question. I want to look the question directly in the face rather than saying I don’t think I really believe that and turning away from it. Because it will come up again. I feel like this question will come up again a few more times in my life. And if I don’t give it it’s due respect, it will have some kind of really bad snowball effect.
I’ve been really addicted to The Walking Dead recently. We’ve been watching it almost every night. Which is funny because when my husband wanted to watch it I was resistant at first. I mean, I enjoyed 28 days later… but you know… for a couple hour movie. A whole series of zombie stuff? Not really my thing. But I’m so hooked. And I’ve been trying to figure out why. And what it’s all about. Because it’s SO distressing. And it’s on the depressing side too. It seems to be all about the worst ways that humans could possibly react under scary stressful situations. There haven’t been very many “good guys” even amongst the good guys… that you can point to and say, oh, they get it. They’re the example of humanity at it’s best. Dignity under duress. Integrity in the grit. Maybe one person like that was Dale, and He got his belly ripped open and had to be shot. Every one else… has moments of course… but as time goes on, people just seem to be making worse and worse decisions, getting trapped in their minds, spiraling. Distrusting… it’s not an uplifting show. There’s hardly even a light at the end of the tunnel. It just seems like it will go on and on and… I read this article I skipped most of the middle because I haven’t seen that episode yet… but in the last couple paragraphs it says
“Unlike post apocalyptic movies… the story doesn’t end after two hours with hope as everyone heads north. It just goes on and on and on and on, as we follow characters gradually getting stripped of what we used to think of as humanity. How bad will it get? Isn’t there any hope out there somwhere? Would I do any better? Is survival even worth it?
Imagining the answers to these questions is why people come back to the TV show… week after week, month after month. Sure it’s a fun scary thrill ride full of gruesome special effects. But the core, when it’s there, is this merciless examination of the social contract.”
Maybe it’s because we all have these questions about life. Whether we acknowledge them or not.
And we grasp at the possibility that someone may have a hint of an answer for us.